I haven’t written for awhile. To be honest, I haven’t done much of anything for awhile. I haven’t spent much time talking with friends and colleagues, I haven’t really had any energy or original ideas, I haven’t built any side projects, and I haven’t had much fun. I’ve gotten up every day and gone through the motions, but it’s been a largely fruitless pursuit that left me feeling pretty empty.

I’m not sure when it started, but somewhere along the way the fire inside of me — the force that made me push myself to expand my horizons and do bigger things — dimmed and started to flicker a little. Until a few weeks ago, I was concerned that it was going out, and I couldn’t figure out how to stop it.

We sold AgileZen to Rally Software two years ago this March. Rally is honestly a fantastic company — the best I’ve ever worked for — but to be honest I don’t think I ever was fully at peace with us selling to them. The primary reason behind starting our own company was to be in control of our own destiny, and to succeed or fail based on the merits of our own actions. I was never in it for the money, and while we profited financially from the acquisition there’s always been a nagging sense of guilt that in selling the company we lost the most valuable thing we had gained.

My stress hasn’t come entirely from the acquisition, though. Moving to Raleigh has been great, but at times it’s also been trying. We rented a house when we first moved down, and just before renewing our lease we discovered that our landlord hadn’t been paying the mortgage and that the house was being foreclosed upon. Fortunately, we had the luck to find another house available for rent in an even better location, and the means to lease it, but the stress of the situation and the actual act of packing all our shit up and moving (again) was taxing.

We also hadn’t taken a real vacation since 2007. We’d tagged on a couple days in Vegas after a conference, and stayed with some friends on the beach for a few days in summer, but we hadn’t really been “disconnected” from our work for far too long. Also, since Niki and I work together, it makes unplugging that much more difficult; when we go home, we still find ourselves talking about work. As a result, we never really get to leave the office. When things are going well that can be a great experience, but when you have bad feelings associated with your work, not being able to escape them is trying. We’d talked in vague terms about taking a vacation several times, but never actually booked anything.

In retrospect, I’d probably been on this path for years. I knew all along that I shouldn’t feel the way I did, but that just made me feel guilty for not appreciating what I had. I recognize how fortunate I’ve been in life, and not being happy makes it that much more difficult.

I’ve talked about “burnout” before like I knew what I meant, but I can say with confidence that until recently I was full of shit. It’s kind of hard to describe… kind of like the entire world is slowly turning grey around you. Food tastes bland, music is out of tune, and you lose your ability to do things that make you happy. It’s a subtle change that happens over time, and since you can only compare experiences to what you can remember, if you aren’t paying attention you won’t recognize it’s happening. If it goes on for long enough, you forget how you’re supposed to feel, so you don’t realize how bad you’re feeling.

Finally, Niki and I decided that after spending Christmas with our families, we’d take a real vacation. We decided to travel to St. Lucia, which being a different country meant that we’d be completely off the grid. No internet, no phones, nothing.

On the trip down, our flight was delayed, causing us to almost miss a connection, and the airline lost our luggage. More stress. We made it, but the first two days on the island were surreal. There we were, staying at an opulent resort, surrounded by beauty and waited on hand and foot, and all we did was talk about how shitty we felt and how much we wanted to leave.

Burnout is a sneaky bastard. It creeps up slowly and attaches to you like a parasite and starts to suck your lifeblood. Once it gets its fangs into you deep enough, you need a major jolt to the system in order to shake it off.

For me, it happened on the third day of our trip. By the end of the day I realized something had changed in me, and over the next few days I started feeling better and better. I know now that I had shaken my burnout.

For whatever reason, our trip to St. Lucia — both the trial of traveling there and the experience once we made it — was precisely what I needed. I’m embarassed to say it, but for the first couple of days after coming home I looked at simple things like the trees around our house in absolute fascination. I had forgotten how beautiful the world was, and it was like I was seeing it all for the very first time.

Things are bright, colorful, and interesting again. To be honest, moreso than I can ever remember. My fire is rekindled, I’m much more at peace, and I have an energy coursing through me that I haven’t felt in a very long time. 2012 is going to be a great year.